TRUE INTIMACY AND CONNECTION IS IMPORTANT OR FUN IS MUCH MORE IMPORTANT?
Many of us experience a time in our lives when we feel lost.
I even stop doing my routines and even this activity aka writing that helps me a lot to release my emotions, anger, joy, sadness, all feelings. I am kind of person who loves to feel the feelings.
I always believe that emotions are gifts, tiny moments to connect with yourself. And maybe, just maybe, if you stay with your feelings, a little light will find space to enter.
What I am doing now is do what I love, do it in the most exciting place possible, and make sure it helps people even yourself.
Everyone needs a hand. We all need a raise in life. Life can be challenging with so many ups and downs especially having to juggle between love, life and family.
Hard times will definitely show up and it is in times like these that encouraging word for your beloved ones comes in handy.
Words are powerful. You want to put some springs in the steps of your partner despite challenging times, use words.
Remember your special partner means a whole lot to you. They were first your friend and grew into being your lover and in the future could be your spouse and also become parents to your children.
I know we all are not perfect, my partner is not perfect, neither am I saying they tick all the boxes but all I am saying is that your partner is trying. Let your words and emotional support give your partner hope.
Let your partner know you believe in them even when they dont believe in themselves.
These days I have been watching a podcast between Esther Perel & Lewis Howes. They basically talk about relationship and how to be a perfect partner in relationship. This topic has been my concern the past three years even till now. I am learning it now, everyday and all the time.
In their podcast, Lewis Howes questioned Esther who is a Psychotherapist, Writer and Speaker who has her statement that I really love "The Quality of Our Relationships determines The Quality of Our Lives". Super Fantastic statement for me. Super true and honest.
Lewis Howes questioned Esther with one of his great criticial thinking questions; "why do you think most people start things that way "sex and fun first before dating and know the person or experience the person to know more that they can be together or not". Because accoding to Lewis, so many couples are strugging with it, they dont take a time to know each other, talk and get intimate to be deeper and have a hard conversation to know the person more instead of just meet for "fun times, comforts and sex".
After watching this podcast till I will arrive to the end of this podcast, Esther really explains it very educational and super make sense. She said the physical attention is very common recently. It didn't happen in the past where we should know the person first, have conversation intimately about what we want in relationship, get married and make a love. Now is the opposite. Am I right?
And Lewis asked her how can we set up a healthier relationship as opposed to have a healthier foundation in relationship like true intimacy and connection. It is quite interesting and smart question and I was excited to hear her explanation. She said that SEXUALITY? we can't minimize it, it is very important to have a powerful erotic connection with your partner everyday. But she said that another important thing is a life experience. She said like there is a myth it's the nation that we are looking for the one and only, the one and only is my soul mate, it's my everything. But according to Esther, your soul mate used to be God not a person. The one and only is the divine. She added that we put so much expectations today about a romantic relationship that is unprecedented which we have never expected so much of our romantic relationship as we do today in the west. It has a lot of pressure, we crumble under the weight of these expectations. She said it is because of community around us that cannot become a tribe of two.
Esther said that a healthier relationship is a party of two and with you and me together, we are going to create best friends, romantic partner, lovers, confidants, parents, intellectual eager, business partners, career couches but she wants us to understand that find one person for everything is a myth. She suggests us to keep a deep friendship and intimacy with family, partner and friends — having good relationship is diversify. She also suggests to stop looking as people as a product where you evaluate them. By that she means is evaluate yourself too. Love is a moment when we stop evaluate but being approved when you have been chosen and when you choose. Love finally becomes the moment you can experience peace, you're no longer looking, selling, and proving yourself or even trying to capture somebody's attention. It's exhausting and once you are in that mentality (busy selling, proving and capturing) you also are continuously looking for the best product. She suggests that we should focus on ourself and we should say to ourself, "how can I be a person who I show up, what I can bring, what responsibilty I take, how generous I am IN RELATIONSHIP". Instead of expectations, living in the myth "the one and only" or evaluate your partner. If you want a better realtionship.
One thing that I believe from what she said is "THINGS DO CHANGE'.
You can love a person wholly without having to love all of them. It means that the notion of unconditional love is myth. Adult love lives in the realm of ambivalence which means that relational ambivalence is part and parcel of all our relationship we have it with parents, siblings, friends or even partner which means that we continuously have to INTEGRATE CONTRADICTORY FEELINGS AND THOUGHTS BETWEEN LOVE AND HATE, BETWEEN EXCITEMENT AND FEAR, BETWEEN ENVY AND CONTEMPT, BETWEEN BOREDOM AND ALIVENESS. It's like you should continuously negotiate these contradictions that ambivalence and living with that ambivalence is actually a sign of maturity rather than continuously then evaluating. She suggests us to stop evaluate your partner; "if is she/he the one, is it good enough or not, shall i go or not, how do i know, how happy am i, am i happy enough."
For me means like one you have chosen, it means you are good there. There is no one and only but there is one person that you CHOOSE AT A CERTAIN MOMENT IN TIME and with that person you try to create the most beautiful relationship you can. Soulmate is God. Soulmate is like you have a connection with someone that you have a deep meeting of the minds of the souls of the heart of bodies but it's a metaphor. It's not a person, it's quality of an experience that feels like soulmate.
There is no unconditional love as a myth but we should understand more deeper that in our love relationship, there are things we like and things we don't / things they like about us and things they don’t and moments they can't be without us in moments where they wish on occasion they could be away from us and that's normal. She also said that the more continously we pursue happiness, you're miserable a lot of the time. She said as a couple in healthy relationships, we should pursue integrity depth, joy, aliveness, connection, growth. Those things that utimately make us say I feel good, I am happy about this relationship but I don't pursue hardly happiness.
Hapiness is the consequence of a lot of things you put; you pursue CARING for your partner, having their back, feeling they have your back, wanting the best for them. We should give each other a good foundation from which we can each launch into our respective worlds. A home is a foundation with wings. A good relationship is a good foundation with wings. So you feel the stability that you need, the security, the safety, the predictability as much as you can, as much as our life allows us and the same time you have the wings to go and explore, discover, be curious, be in the world with respect, dignity and integrity.
Sometimes together, sometimes apart.
Elista x
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